Month: February 2017

Like so many things in life, we can always blame our perceived inadequacies on our parents. I was raised by a mother who often told me “never be dependant on a man.” I took her advice to heart and set about to be entirely independent and self sufficient. Marriage was never a priority for me. I wasn’t going to be dependant on anyone and I certainly didn’t want anyone depending on me. Like many of the lessons learned in childhood, I see now that I may have taken it to extremes, but mostly it’s served me well.

Still I’d thought I was open to some relationship possibilities. So, I had a few boyfriends. As I was looking for nothing long term, it was fairly easy to end the relationship at the first sign of trouble. Why not, it was bound to end sooner or later. Why not put it out of its misery before things got complicated. And I did, again and again. I think it was important for me to feel in control.

It kind of worked for a while. But I pretty much gave up on relationships entirely about twenty years ago when it seemed that all the men I was meeting who were showing an interest in me were married. No thanks. The only thing that interested me less than my own marriage prospects was getting involved in someone else’s marriage. Nope, if that was the only option open to me, I’d just as soon shut the door completely.

And I did for several years. Then I met a man who interested me for the first time in a very long time. I really wanted to get to know him. He’d been married before and made sure I knew he wasn’t interested in doing it again. In my mind, this didn’t present a problem as I certainly wasn’t interested in marriage.  But this could have been one of those “men are from Mars and women are from Venus” communication barriers or perhaps evidence of the differing worldview between a coupler and a loner.  Aren’t all single women just dying to drag the first available man to the Justice of the Peace? It sure seems that men think that way. But I  suspect I was looking for more emotional intimacy than he had to give. And perhaps for couplers, intimacy can only take place within the security of a committed relationship.

I don’t know. I have come to realize that trust and intimacy are key to me. When you don’t have a destination in mind, it truly is all about the journey and whether or not someone wants to walk with us, explore with us, and, as we age, grieve with us.

In the case of this friend, we built up enough trust that I couldn’t push him away. But I discovered when I let go, we drifted apart. That’s okay. I don’t want anyone walking with me who doesn’t want to be there.

I did make an attempt at online dating. Or at least I signed up for Match.Com and looked at it occasionally. I found it horrifying. I was deluged with photos and profiles of men from all over the world. I couldn’t find anything in the photos and profiles that would help me decide which, if any, would prove good traveling companions on my life’s journey.

So, what is one to do but continue the journey on one’s own. I am truly grateful that I’m not stuck in some horrible relationship. I am free to set my own course. And I have friends who will love and support me no matter what ill advised choices I make.  I’m learning to trust them. So, the title of this post and the label of loner are really misnomers. I probably have a more active social life than most of my coupled friends. The only difference is that I arrive at and leave events alone. Given the alternatives, that’s a pretty good way to roll. And I hope to continue rolling toward new adventures when the opportunities arise.

I’ve been struggling with how to approach the topic of relationships. That can be a touchy subject for singles, when coupling is the norm. So, I’m going to use The Lobster as a springboard.

In the movie, singles are sent to a hotel where they have two weeks to find a mate and begin a process whereby they can reenter society. If they fail to do so, they will be turned into the animal of their choice. Yet, despite the obvious benefits of pairing off and being allowed to rejoin society as a human, there are still little educational skits reminding the rejected of the benefits of not being alone, e.g., you’ll have someone to save you from choking to death or being attacked. Well, sign me up!

There are a number of people who prefer to take to the woods and live as loners. They can be hunted by singles in the hotel. Bagging a loner will extend your stay. The equally rigid rules for the loners is where the movie goes off the rails a bit as far as I’m concerned. They’re not permitted any relationships under strict penalties. Totally unnecessary! Everyone knows loners are self policing.

As is often the case with satire and black comedies, there is more than a kernel of truth here. There does seem to be an assumption that you’re somehow incomplete if you’re not paired off. You’re often deemed to have psychological problems, intimacy issues. Or you’re just too choosy. It’s not a huge leap to think perhaps we could be considered more like animals than humans. It may not help that some of us loners actually prefer the company of companion animals to most humans.

I certainly won’t try to argue that I’m free of psychological problems, but I don’t think I’m any more or less messed up than most of my non-single friends. I’ve just chosen to bear my problems myself rather than forcing them on anyone else. I decided to call this site “A Single Mind” because  I think there is a single mindset that should be recognized and acknowledged as a valid lifestyle choice.  It’s not always easy. But the burdens shouldn’t be made greater by society perpetuating the myth of the soulmate or better half or whatever romantic nonsense fuels the entertainment industry and dating sites.

I won’t lie. I’ve dabbled in relationships. I am curious as to what the fuss is all about. But I  could never see myself in any long term relationship. My one regret is that I’ll never have an opportunity for a big celebration like a wedding to gather together friends and family. We really need some kind of a Single Celebration. Yup, it’s just me  but I want to show you I love you all.

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to get through this thing called life.”

So, what kind of animal would I choose when my time was up at the hotel?

A dolphin. I’d get swim and play with other dolphins in a pod and take my frustrations out on sharks.